I don't want to do this anymore.

Rant:

I don't want to do this anymore. And I don't have to. It's not my job. My graduate advisor can't "fire" me. I don't have to write the 10 page prospectus about the 30 page final project I will complete yet don't have to complete. I will not lose my job if I don't finish my master's degree. I will certainly not lose my life. And you have to know if I quit I will gain time and money, two things that are very precious to me that I presently severely lack.

I want to quit. Surely 36 hours toward a master's degree on a résumé is just as good as a master's degree. Or–highly more likely–it will be seen by future employers as a clue someone doesn't finish what she's started. Plus, whether I finish or not, I've still got these things called student loans...

But what about the raise I will get? Oh, you mean the $900 more a year? Yes, that's definitely worth the constant anxiety that I won't finish my prospectus for yet another semester and will have to fork out another $1000 and push my graduation date back. Again. Or the inability to really enjoy my summer because I feel I should constantly be working on my prospectus. Or the fear of the fall semester because I know I will once again be balancing work and school along with everything else in my life.

I started this degree because I wanted to show future employers I was serious about my career change into education. Now with 36 graduate hours in education and 3 years teaching under my belt I feel confident my principal understands I'm here to stay. Yet here I am, slowly trying to complete this thing. It's taking a lot longer than I expected.

I know I have to finish. I've put all together too much time and effort and money into this to quit without a degree. I get it. I just don't have to enjoy it right now.

Update: I completed my prospectus and it was approved by all committee members. The final step is one last (huge) project and I graduate!

Wants vs. Needs

What I WANT to do this summer:

1. Create themed art
2. Blog
3. Get a little tan
4. Keep a mani/pedi
5. Learn how to play tennis

What I NEED to do this summer:

1. Finish four (possibly five) commissioned portraits
2. Finish my prospectus
3. Write my final paper
4. Lose weight
5. Clean/organize my apartment

How great would it be if I could do all ten?!? We shall see. I have 74 days. 

Unprocrastination day

Today is my unprocrastination day. It is the day where I will attempt to accomplish all those things I have procrastinated doing over the EIGHT other days of spring break. Blogging was not in the day, but I refuse to call blogging procrastinating. My lunch is cooking, so this is multi-tasking. :)

The idea of unprocrastination day came from the April issue of Real Simple, my most favorite magazine in the entire universe. The bf got me a subscription for Christmas because he loves me and listens to me... when I complain about not getting the magazine from my secret santa at work when I SPECIFICALLY wrote it on the sheet and underlined it. Twice. But I digress.

Anyway, I have scheduled my entire day. And while the list of tasks I have seems daunting (at least to me), when looking it over I realized all these tasks mean I am immensely blessed.

Going to church means I live in a country where I am free to worship the god I choose.

Washing dishes means I have food to eat.

Having an electric diswasher wash them for me is just ridiculous.

Washing multiple loads of laundry means I have plenty of clothes to wear.

Researching for my graduate paper means I have an education.

Grading papers and writing lesson plans means I have a job.

Paying rent and putting in a service request means I have a place to live and people to help me keep up my home.

Taking out the disgusting, smelly cat litter means I have two animals who I love and sometimes love me back.

It also means I have the money to take care of two animals.

Painting a portrait of a dog means that people think I am talented enough... to pay me to paint their dog.

Preparing a print of one of my latest works means someone wants to own my art.

My to-do list means I'm blessed.

Week Three

The completion of Painting Theory and Development. 15 paintings in 15 days.

Week Two

This includes the completion of "Mom" and "Bruce." If you are only interested in new work, skip to the 1:00 mark.

Bruce

This is less expressive than the others, but I am glad I dipped my hand in photo-realism... if just a tiny bit. The rest of the week will be more painterly.

"Bruce." Oil on canvas. Approx 8 hours.

Mom

This week I am essentially working on a painting a day. I will go back on Friday to add some final touches, but this is day one.

Week One

This video shows the progression of my work in the first week of Painting Theory and Development. Five paintings total; approx. 25 hours of studio time.

Back to the Studio

I just finished my first week of graduate-level Painting Theory and Development.

I feel that title is a bit vague, so instead I am going to call it Stand in front of a canvas and paint for six hours a day, every day, until you feel like you need a hip replacement at the age of thirty. Also, check your ego at the door.

Yes, SIFOACAPFSHADEDUYFLYNAHRATAOT/ACYEATD is much more comprehensive.

Sure it's been ten years since I've taken a studio class, but I really forgot how exhausting it is. Yesterday (only day 4 of 15, mind you) I was already over it. Seriously. I had to call a friend and have him talk me out of quitting right there. I am doing self-portraits right now, and I am so sick of myself that at home I don't even want to look in a mirror.

You know you're back in art school when on the first day your professor says,

"This class is six hours a day, but don't worry - the building is open 24/7 so you will have plenty of time to get your work done."

Right. Because we couldn't possibly accomplish anything worthy of a passing grade in the NINETY HOURS of allotted class time.

I'm off to a brilliant start, too. Today I worked four hours on a piece for the professor to essentially tell me I ruined it. Then he adds this tidbit,

"I appreciate your candor, but you really need to take an 20th Century art history class. It's pointless for me to reference artists when you don't know who they are."

Awesome.

Who wants to marry a FAFSAire?

"So whaddya do this weekend, Carolyn?"

"Oh, I just sat at home and drank coffee... worked on a PowerPoint and an annotated bibliography, and was judged by the people at FAFSA. You know... same ol', same ol'."

Seriously. I don't think it's possible for an online form to make me feel MORE like a loser at 30.

I take that back. FAFSA has nothing on Match.com. (No, I'm not on Match.com... anymore.)

Need a laugh? How about taking a look at my answer to question 39:

How much did you earn from working (wages, salaries, tips, etc.) in 2008?

I'm not going to tell you the answer, but I'm pretty sure I qualify for welfare.

For those of you who aren't paying back a student loan from college, FAFSA is exactly that- Free Application for Federal Student Aid. And with my earnings, I don't understand why I'm not picked up in a limo each day and escorted by motorcade to class. I'm broke as all get out.

But apparently not everyone who applies for Federal Student Aid is in actual need of aid, hence this caveat to question 42:

Net worth means current value minus debt. If net worth is one million dollars or more, enter $999,999. If net worth is negative, enter 0.

Really? I am so sorry, millionaires, that the FAFSA people didn't leave enough space for all your zeros. I'm lucky that I only need one.

Livin' the dream.

It's not unusual...

It's time for another assignment post. Eight chapters of required reading for only a 300-500 word response, so that's nice...

Totally recommend both books, by the way.

---

Although I thoroughly enjoyed and was challenged by reading Chapters 1-5 in Gardner’s Multiple Intelligences, a number of “Huh!” moments came to me while studying Studio Thinking. This may be due to the fact that I have had limited experience in the art classroom as a teacher (less than two years.) I am finding as I learn more about pedagogy, my mind as a sponge sometimes soaks up information and practices not based in fact or supported by research. And while I believe my instructors and/or fellow teachers were not malicious in their intent to teach me certain theories, some of these same popular theories are argued against in the first three chapters of Hetland, Winner, Veenema, and Sheridan’s Studio Thinking, specifically concerning music.

In Alternative Certification and Teacher Preparation classes, I have been taught this blanket principle (paraphrased): “It is best not to play music in the classroom, as it might be distracting for some students. But, if you choose to play music, always play classical. Classical music helps kids learn.” However, in Studio Thinking Chapter One, “The Failure of Instrumental Arguments”, the authors are quick to debunk this principle by stating:

Listening to classical music improves performance on some spatial tests in adults. However, since the effect is transitory, lasting only 10-15 minutes, this finding has no direct implications for education (Hetland, 2000a).

In Studio Thinking Chapter Three, “Elements of Studio Classrooms”, the topic of background music as an atmospheric element is discussed. As an artist who completed AP Art I-IV in high school and graduated from college with a Studio Art degree, music while creating art is not a new concept for me. However, I was surprised to learn that effective art teachers use music for more than just “white noise.” Chapter three tells us that Jim Woodside, a drawing teacher and the Director of Visual Art at Walnut Hill School, uses music to lift energy in his classroom, while other teachers use it to help manage clean-up. Kathleen Marsh, a sculpture and drawing teacher at the Boston Arts Academy, uses slower, calming music as an “aid for concentration.” These examples seem foreign to me, since as a high school student I felt I was subjected to whichever style of music my art teacher preferred, with little to no regard to how the music would impact my learning. “Tom Jones stresses you out? Too bad!”

With this new information (and because of my love for music), I am excited to use background music as a learning aid in my classroom. I plan on experimenting with different genres and hypothesize that, along with reaction time (mentioned in Multiple Intelligences as a measure for intelligence,) student creativity and productivity may increase if I can find the right “groove.” I’ll just leave the Tom Jones at home…

For more information on integrating music in the classroom, whether into the curriculum or as an atmospheric element, please visit the links below.

http://www.newhorizons.org/strategies/arts/brewer.htm

http://www.scribd.com/doc/2241162/Music-in-the-Classroom-Paper

http://www.advancedbrain.com/Article_Music_in_Classroom.asp

Proof (to me) that God Exists

Hi.

I need to say "hello" because I haven't seen most of you in a month, literally. Sure, I have posted a couple of times, but ask my best friends when they last heard from me and you'll probably get, "2008," or, "Carolyn who?" Or better yet, "She's dead to me."

Sorry, kids.

Here's what happened. I took a freelance graphic design job that was supposed to be completed over the holiday break; a nice little filler for those two weeks when I wouldn't be subbing. At first the schedule looked promising... and then I was sick in bed for a week.

And then subbing began again.

And then I started dating a man... who lives 200 miles away.

And then I added those 9 little graduate hours.

All this, and I still had the graphic design job, requiring me to come into an office (NO!), work at a desk (NO!!), and attend meetings (NO!!!). The job that was to be done by January 19 was completed yesterday at 4pm, just in time to make the last FedEx truck to Florida. How's that for pushing a deadline? Yeah, I'm ridiculous.

The thing is, I really didn't procrastinate THAT badly. And surprisingly enough, finding new love, subbing occasionally, and studying Vigée-LeBrun didn't have much of an impact on my ability to get the work done. VASTLY underestimating the scope of the job and the hours needed to complete the task impacted getting it done... so much that I didn't go to bed 2 out of the last 5 nights.

But it's done. And this is where God comes in. (Not like He was missing before.)

Because of my VAST underestimation of the job requirements, my initial quote was VASTLY insufficient for the amount/quality of work I provided. Still, you can't exactly go in and demand to be paid much more than your quote. Your quote is your quote, and it's pretty firm. At least it should be to maintain a reputation as a designer whose fees are fair.

Now let's skip back to the aforementioned graduate hours. Classes started on January 20. It's two weeks later and I still have not been contacted about financial aid. I have called, and the response is that they are still processing my request. I only have until tomorrow to decide whether I take a leap of faith and continue my classes, or if I drop 6 hours because because I only have the money for 3.

For the first time in my life, my parents can't help. They don't have the money; I don't have the money.

Well, yesterday at 3:50pm - 10 mins before deadline when I am still pleading with the Xacto for a few of more trims - my client stops me, hands me a post-it, and says this:

"When you are finished I am going to need an invoice for this amount. Make sure you put this exact amount in, because I have already turned in the PO and the numbers need to match."

I looked down and almost had a seizure. A good one, if there is such a thing.

There, on that post-it, was a number $1400 more than what I requested- enough to cover all but $240.50 of my tuition. With this money (plus the $650.00 emergency loan I have already been awarded) my graduate school is paid in full! There, on that post-it, was God. :)

I understand. Some people won't see it. But this is so much more than "someone up there looking out for me." This is God, my Lord and Savior, taking care of me; providing. I love Him, and I am forever grateful.

Back to school... back to school...

As of now I am enrolled in 9 graduate hours at Texas Woman's University in pursuit of my Masters in Art Education. I use the term "as of now" because TWU has yet to process my financial aid application (classes started 4 days ago), and if I don't get aid, well, I don't get to continue. It's that simple.

Still, I'm trying not to think of that and am trucking along... subbing, freelance designing, and studying. Where does sleep fit into that equation? Well, new boyfriend > sleep. So, it doesn't.

Here is my first assignment in Art 5333: Individual Differences.

"Now let us look at your first assignment: your 300 word assignment needs to be introspective, about yourself, your differences. For instance, when driving I do not follow maps well, I am very visual so I use points of reference, a yellow house with red shutters on the corner is where I turn left, the field with the barn that needs paint is where I go straight. Another difference about me, it is easier for me to write my thoughts and concerns, when I am upset or angry, in order to communicate my ideas and thoughts effectively rather than speak. Your assignment is more about you being introspective about your differences, than your ideas or thoughts about special education. The focus is you and the wonderfully, created, special person you are."

Here's my go. It sounds more like a blog post than anything "introspective." Oops.

We’re all different. And since we’re all different, doesn’t that mean we all have something in common?

One of my first classroom memories invokes some anxiety about being different. I’m not sure what my first grade teacher was trying to reinforce – colors, maybe – but I remember she was calling us one by one to announce our hair and eye colors. Before my turn I heard, “Brown hair, brown eyes,” then, “Blonde hair, blue eyes.” When I said, “Blonde Hair, brown eyes,” my teacher corrected me.

“You mean blue, Carolyn.”
“No. I have brown eyes.”
“Oh, usually blonde girls have blue eyes.”

Really?

A year ago I once again mentioned my brown eye color only to be corrected by my boyfriend of the time. I have hazel eyes, and it disturbs me that I didn’t even notice they changed.

Like Jesus, I tell stories. Unlike Jesus' stories, they don’t always have a point.

I do believe, like Robin explained in her instructions, that I am a “wonderfully-created, special person.” I learned this at an early age in my paternal grandfather’s Primitive Baptist Blue Mound, Texas church. Growing up in a church doesn’t make me any different than the millions of other Christians around the world, but I doubt many had an experience like mine. Blue Mound Baptist had under 30 members, and we met in a small, one-room building. We called each other “Brother” and “Sister” and chose the hymns to sing each Sunday by yelling out their page numbers. There was no organ or piano, so I learned to read music by singing a cappella aside Brother and Sister Nelson.

Still, even with that experience, I have always been a member of the Lutheran church. My dad even became Lutheran. Traitor?

I’m “different” in other ways. My front tooth is fake. I’m ridiculously outgoing, yet suffer from an anxiety disorder. I can fit a six inch pickle in my mouth sideways. But when it comes down to it, I am more interested in finding out what I have in common with my fellow man than how we are different. There’s enough to separate us in this world without going to look for it, don’t you think?

So, what do you think?