Wants vs. Needs

What I WANT to do this summer:

1. Create themed art
2. Blog
3. Get a little tan
4. Keep a mani/pedi
5. Learn how to play tennis

What I NEED to do this summer:

1. Finish four (possibly five) commissioned portraits
2. Finish my prospectus
3. Write my final paper
4. Lose weight
5. Clean/organize my apartment

How great would it be if I could do all ten?!? We shall see. I have 74 days. 

10 years ago today

I cannot believe what happened today. It still feels like some elaborate joke. Terrorists hijacked 4 planes in the US. 2 planes hit the world trade towers in New York City, 1 plane crashed into the Pentagon in Washington D.C., and one other plane crashed in a forest in Pennsylvania. That plane may have been headed for the White House or the Capitol, but CNN isn't sure right now.

I can't believe this. It is too surreal. I don't know whether to throw up or cry. When I was watching the plane hit the tower over and over again, I felt like I was witnessing the end of the world or the start of the apocalypse. It's so scary and I really don't know how to describe it. CNN said that over 50,000 people work at the Trade Center. Did all of those people die? What is going on?!?

I wish I was at home or at least didn't have to go to work tomorrow so I could stay up and watch CNN all night. Is this the start of WWIII?

Before I came here I used to think about what would happen if there was a world war and I was over here. Now is it going to come true? I feel so guilty about now being in the US right now. I just want to go home.

-from my Slovakia journal on September 11, 2001.

Night Eating Syndrome

I finally have a name for what has been plaguing me since college! Night Eating Syndrome.

I know this must sound funny- just stop eating at night- but it's not that simple. I don't just eat at night. I wake up in the middle of the night- STARVING- and I feel like I can't go back to sleep until I eat something. I try to eat healthily when I get up, but unfortunately all I crave are carbs. This syndrome is the number one reason why I don't keep cereal in the house; I will wake up and have a bowl (or two) every night. I know because it happened for almost a straight year in college.

I woke up and ate again last night, and after seeing a gain on my scale after working out twice a day for a week, I just about gave up. But then I realized even though I had been keeping my net calories to (around) 1200 a day and logging everything I ate, I hadn't really been logging what I ate in the middle of the night.

To give you an example, early this morning I ate three corn tortillas with margarine and jam... 372 calories worth. Add the 3 scrambled eggs I ate at 2am before I went to bed, and half of my daily calories are gone before I woke up for the day. No wonder I'm not losing weight... not to mention what this disorder is doing to my quality of sleep.

I went online and found some ideas on how to hopefully curb this: Make sure to eat breakfast, limit caffeine and alcohol, schedule specific times for meals and snacks, and try to talk yourself out of getting out of bed. Breathing exercises... all that. I'll be taking melatonin, too.

If you are not hungry in the mornings, can go almost all day without eating and then eat almost all your daily calories at/after dinner, you may have Night Eating Syndrome like me. It runs in families (my mom has it) and a large percent of sufferers also have some sort of anxiety/depression disorder (both mom and me.) It also comes out/worsens with stress... which is all of us.

For more info and a book, go to this CBS News link.

And if you or someone you know is dealing with this, please let me know!

A couple of weeks later

I went ahead and cancelled my Amen subscription... not because I didn't think it was helpful, but because there is no way I'm paying $30 a month basically for a service I get already on CalorieKing. But I did learn a few things and have put them into place, so I thought I'd share.

1. Take your vitamins.

I do this already- I take a multivitamin- but I've supplemented it with more vitamin D. Some studies have shown a link to insufficient D levels and depression. Since I am already prone to depression and anxiety, I jumped on board. The specific pill I take mixes vitamin D with fish oil- which we all need- but I specifically need it because I have ridiculously dry skin/hair.

2. Slow down.

Tell a teacher to slow down when eating lunch and you're likely to get a spork in the eye. But now that it's summer, I really need to. I've been trying to take my time when it comes to food- observing it, noticing the colors and smells, chewing sufficiently, and putting my utensils down in-between bites. I also need to stop eating in front of the TV, but one thing at a time.

3. Step away from the computer.

The whole idea of Amen's program is to take care of your brain. Forget "This is your brain on drugs." Replace it with "This is your brain on computers/TV/your smart phone." Am I addicted to technology? I don't know, but I will tell you that I spend an EXORBITANT amount of time on my iPhone. I must check my e-mail, Facebook, and WWF 50 times a day... or more. (As a matter of fact, I'm going to tally tomorrow and see what the real number is.) Anyway, I am doing my best to limit my TV time. Computer will come next, then the phone. Baby steps.

4. Exercise.

Like, every day.

Every.

Day.

5. Sleep.

This is probably my favorite one. I love to sleep. While some people are ok with 6 or 7 hours sleep, I could easily sleep 13 hours a night, every night. I really think my needs are up around 9 hours, so I am making sure I get at least that. We'll see what happens when school starts.

There are others- mainly about what I am putting into my body. I am cooking with coconut oil instead of margarine. I'm eating organic. I've cut out almost all diet drinks, but I wasn't a big soda drinker anyway. I've discovered stevia, which is a plant that sweetens without jacking with a person's blood sugar. I try to eat a rainbow of colors every meal- berries for dessert to get in blue and purple- and I really like vanilla almond milk.

So, is it working? Have I lost a ton of weight? No, not yet, but I know I'm healthier when I put these things in place. It's all about taking better care of myself so that I can be better for others. :)

Children

This is going to be a serious post, so if you're looking for a laugh just click "education" over there on the right.

I will be 33 this summer and I have no children. Sometimes this makes me very, very sad.

When I was younger my mom told me a story. When my mom found out her mother was 29 when she had her first child, my mom said to herself, "There is no way I am going to be 29 when I have my first child." And she was right- she was 30 when she had me.

The moral of the story is never to tell God how he should direct your life. Still, when my mother told me this story I thought to myself, "Well, I'm different. I am definitely not going to be 30 when I have my first child." And again... I was right.

I refuse to tell my future children that story. And I sit and cringe when I hear my students planning out their lives. "I'll get married around 25 and start having kids at 27..." Yeah, I thought so, too. Life is rarely what you plan, kids.

My life is definitely not what I planned. I never thought I would be single, with no children, living in an apartment at 32. But I also never thought I would be a teacher who absolutely loves her job. I never thought I would have been a missionary to Slovakia of all places. I never thought I would get to travel throughout Europe and have so many international friends. I never thought God would bring me closer to him not by obeying rules or attending church but by relying on him in times of extreme pain, illness, and heartache. But he has. God has been faithful and has brought me through my life thus far.

So with that, I will trust that God has a plan for me. I will remember this every time another friend gets pregnant or has a child. God has a plan for me.

Keep Breathing

The storm is coming but i don't mind.
People are dying, i close my blinds.

All that i know is i'm breathing now.

I want to change the world...instead i sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that i know is i'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that i know is i'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

Keep Breathing, Ingrid Michaelson, 2003

The Trash Room

Dear fellow neighbors at my apartment complex,

The trash room is for stepping into before throwing your trash down the chute. It is not a room for you to throw your trash, although I know the label on the door is confusing. What you are doing is equivalent to walking into the mail room and throwing your mail on the floor, expecting someone else to stick it in the mail slot. Your mail would never get mailed... however, magically, your trash does in fact make it down the chute. Maybe our rent wouldn't be so high if the complex didn't have to pay someone to clean up after you. Just a thought.

Love,

Ms. Nelson

Unprocrastination day

Today is my unprocrastination day. It is the day where I will attempt to accomplish all those things I have procrastinated doing over the EIGHT other days of spring break. Blogging was not in the day, but I refuse to call blogging procrastinating. My lunch is cooking, so this is multi-tasking. :)

The idea of unprocrastination day came from the April issue of Real Simple, my most favorite magazine in the entire universe. The bf got me a subscription for Christmas because he loves me and listens to me... when I complain about not getting the magazine from my secret santa at work when I SPECIFICALLY wrote it on the sheet and underlined it. Twice. But I digress.

Anyway, I have scheduled my entire day. And while the list of tasks I have seems daunting (at least to me), when looking it over I realized all these tasks mean I am immensely blessed.

Going to church means I live in a country where I am free to worship the god I choose.

Washing dishes means I have food to eat.

Having an electric diswasher wash them for me is just ridiculous.

Washing multiple loads of laundry means I have plenty of clothes to wear.

Researching for my graduate paper means I have an education.

Grading papers and writing lesson plans means I have a job.

Paying rent and putting in a service request means I have a place to live and people to help me keep up my home.

Taking out the disgusting, smelly cat litter means I have two animals who I love and sometimes love me back.

It also means I have the money to take care of two animals.

Painting a portrait of a dog means that people think I am talented enough... to pay me to paint their dog.

Preparing a print of one of my latest works means someone wants to own my art.

My to-do list means I'm blessed.

5 Hobbies in a Hat

I don't talk a lot about my boyfriend on here (intentionally) but he really is very good for me. Something he suggested earlier (along with blowing up the TV) really stuck with me.

Aaron was curious what would happen if I took a week and, instead of watching TV, I took that time and really threw myself into something. He asked me if there was something I have never tried before that I really wanted to do. Well, not that I can think of... but there are things I used to do that I have been putting on the back burner.

Because of this, Aaron suggested I write down 5 of my long-lost hobbies and put them in a hat. I will pick one and then for the next week I will focus all my free time on that hobby. No TV. Probably no Facebook. Limited Words with Friends.

Ok, so my 5 "hobbies" are: Creating my own art, working out, scrapbooking, reading, and organizing my living space. Sure, you can say working out and organizing really aren't hobbies, but I need both! Blogging is a hobby, too, but I've been doing well with it this year.

And the winner is...

Reading! It's going to be a peaceful week. :)

I'm blowing up my TV.

It all started with a statement from my boyfriend. "I just wonder what would happen if you blew up your TV."

We were talking today and he mentioned (like he has a few times before) it concerns him I don't seem to have a hobby. Sure, I paint, but I am always doing that either for a class or because I've been commissioned. I don't work on my own art. I like to read but I never do except for my Bible a little before bed. I scrapbook but my supplies have been in the closet for years. I like to sing but I'm not in a choir anymore. I actually would like to get my apartment organized and get in shape but I can't seem to find the time.

Well, God dropped plenty of time into my lap this week (4 snow days to be exact) and do you know what I did with them? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I sat on my couch and watched TV. Not what was on the TiVo... no, I got through that in half a day. I watched LIVE TV. The kind where you can't fast forward through the commercials. I never do that. But given 4 days inside that is exactly what I did.

Here are the things I needed to do: Take down Christmas decorations, clean apartment, wash laundry, wash dishes, finish a painting, start another painting, write lesson plans, and research topics for my Master's paper.

I took down my tree and washed some clothes and dishes. Oh, and I baked a cake.

So today when Aaron made his comment I could not be more on board. I'm starting tonight. I don't care that it's the Super Bowl and that it's in town. The Cowboys aren't playing and the best commercials are always online the next day anyway. My TiVo will catch Glee. I have work to do.

The #1 reason to remove all receipts before bringing bags to school for the students' clay project:

Before you ask, yes, a student found it. I threw the entire staff under the bus and said all the teachers had donated bags. Then I reminded the students that most of the staff are married... and they are being responsible adults by protecting themselves.

Resolution 2011: Do Less

I've been gone a while but now I am back. Hello again.

The sermon today (like many days) particularly hit home. Our pastor challenged us to do less. The three specific challenges were 1) Worry less, 2) Stop trying to please God, and 3) Do less. Number two may sound confusing, but when we break it down... God sees Christ when he looks at us. He doesn't love us more when we do good deeds, just like he doesn't love us less when we sin. Our good works do not get us into Heaven, and our sins do not send us to hell.

Ephesians 2:8-9 (New International Version)
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.

Or...

Ephesians 2:8-9 (The Message)
Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It's God's gift from start to finish! We don't play the major role. If we did, we'd probably go around bragging that we'd done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing.

The reason the "do less" sermon impacts me is because I am not comfortable being still. I become anxious when I am not busy. I think I fill my life with activity to keep my mind "busy" and not worry. A therapist once reminded me that we are human beings, not human "doings."

All this "busyness" is not healthy. It has brought me worry and pain. I have neglected family and friends because of it. I am spread so thin that I cannot do anything to the best of my ability. I often think of the art I could create if I committed to painting full-time. I have made the comment that I would be a better teacher if I wasn't in graduate school... to become a better teacher! It doesn't make sense.

2 Thessalonians 3:11 (New American Standard Bible)
For we hear that some among you are leading an undisciplined life, doing no work at all, but acting like busybodies.

So this year, instead of tacking on more, I am doing less.

Less worry
Less judgment
Less procrastination
Less alcohol
Less commitments (this is going to be tough)
Less TV
Less iPhone games
Less Facebook
Less high-sugar food
Less high-fat, high-cholesterol food
Less cussing
Less negativity
Less gossip
Less "busybody."

NYC

Artists- Scam Alert

I just got an offer to buy three of my pieces totaling $1300. Needless to say I was ecstatic. I called my mom, I emailed my boyfriend, I waited for a reply from the buyer... and waited and waited. While I was waiting my rational and practical boyfriend did some searching and found out the buyer's email address has been flagged on Craigslist as a scammer. Awesome.

About that time my phone rings and a man named Michael calls to talk about the gallery. I was livid and tore into him.

I said, "I did a search of your email address and you came up flagged as a scammer."

"Really?"

"Yes. Can you prove to me you are not a scam artist?"

"I don't understand this word, 'scam artist.'"

"Ok, then can you tell me specifically where you saw my artwork?"

"Downtown."

"Downtown where?"

"On Pearl Street. The TVAA Gallery."

Knowing that was all on my website I said, "Can you tell me more about my paintings? You said you saw them the last time you were in the States. When was that?"

"I am looking at them right now."

In disbelief I say, "So you are in the gallery? Who is there with you?"

"No one. I am the sitter."

Then it all hits me. OH. NO.

"What was your name again?"

"Michael. I was calling to remind you that you are sitting at the TVAA Gallery tomorrow."

I could have died. I apologized over and over again, explained what a scammer is, why I was so upset, that I thought his name was Matthew and not Michael, and so on. The poor guy must think I am an absolute nutcase. (And he's not too far off.)

So anyway, don't trust either or these e-mails: matthew.joe1@yahoo.com or matthew.joe212@gmail.com. He's a SCAMMER. A scammer with good taste in art, but still a scammer.

Also, it's not enough to ask for money orders or cashier checks. Apparently there are many fake checks going around that banks WILL cash, only to hold you accountable later. I guess it's cash only, artists.

Give up the Funk

My boyfriend's last name is "Funk." My kids know this, so every time he comes up in conversation (which would be every second of the day if they got their way) someone starts singing this. I may make it my theme song.

Sparrows

So I have this fun little anxiety disorder. Actually, it's not fun at all. And at times it is not little, either. This week is one of those times.

Earlier tonight I was talking with my boyfriend and explaining that there are actually many Bible verses about anxiety. I was explaining that God knows every hair on our heads and that he cares for the birds and the flowers, so of course he will care for us. I couldn't remember the exact verses verbatim, but I told him about how I shouldn't worry about anything - what I am going to wear or what I am going to eat the next day. I told him God takes care of the sparrows.

Then he said maybe God sent me the sparrows to eat.

Your father knows what you need before you ask him. So do not worry, saying 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today's trouble is enough for today. (Matthew 6:8b, 31-34)

Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten in God's sight. But even the hairs of your head are all counted. Do not be afraid; you are of more value than many sparrows. (Luke 12:6-7)

Terrified

Get ready for a very honest post.

I said something out loud a few days ago that stopped me in my tracks. I have always known it, but I have never said it out loud.

Sometimes I don't do what I want to do because I am terrified of what my Christian friends' reaction will be.

While to some this may sound wise, to others (or most) it sounds superficial. We live in a world that tells us not to care what others think, to be true to "yourself,"and to do what makes you happy. But as Christians we are taught to seek Christian counsel, be true to God, and do what makes God happy. Sometimes as a Christian doing what makes God happy doesn't make you happy at all... but you know it's right.

Then there are the gray areas; the areas where you aren't sure of God's will, or when your friends disagree with your interpretation. This is when I get terrified because, in all honesty, I think some of my friends are "better" than me... or "better Christians" than me.

Yep, I said it. Let's stop this down.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A "BETTER" PERSON OR A "BETTER CHRISTIAN!" We are all sinners, and God loves us all the same no matter what. So to compare myself to others is just ridiculous. Yet I do it all the time.

With that said, I love and respect my friends very much. And I value my Christian friends' advice. They are called to hold me accountable - to remind me of God's Word - or if necessary, to tell me when they think I am making a mistake. This is what crushes me, because I never want to disappoint them. I want to make everyone happy all the time...

I think you can see where this is going. I am focusing on people instead of the Lord!

At the end of my life it's only going to be me and God. The same rule applies for every decision I make... my choices are between me and God and no. one. else. Like Sara Groves sings, "When I stand before the Lord I'll be standing alone. This journey is my own. Still, I want man's advice, and I need man's approval. But this journey is my own."

Christians, listen to your friends. But listen to your heart as well. Jesus is in there. :)

Top Ten of the Last Ten

I am totally copying my friend Elizabeth (who copied her friend) in posting these. I'm really hoping this decade will bring those life-changing events like, oh, I don't know... getting married and having kids. :)

In chronological order:

10. 2000 - Graduated with a BFA in Studio Art from Baylor

9. 2001-2002 - Spent a year teaching art and English in Tisovec, Slovakia, and traveling around Europe

8. 2003 - Moved to Lewisville and began working for animal health company as a graphic design coordinator

7. 2005 - Moved to Irving

6. 2005 - Spent two weeks in Slovakia with a stop through London

5. 2007 - Moved to Addison and started working downtown for an architecture firm

4. 2008 - Took a leap of faith, quit my job, and began substitute teaching

3. 2009 - Started graduate school at Texas Woman's University towards an MA in Art Education

2. 2009 - Completed a body of work (paintings) that have been shown in Dallas and Frisco

1. 2009 - Landed an art teaching position at a brand-new high school and moved to Frisco

It's been good... but I'm ready to move on. I like my 30's. :)

Oh, that's bad.

I'm a pretty visual person. (duh.) So when I hear "severe left lateral recess stenosis," my eyes glaze over. However, show me this and I get it.

Now, in case you're still lost, here's the MRI again with commentary.

So much for boot camp

So it turns out I have a herniated disk so severe that if I sneeze I could lose bladder function.

Not kidding.

Needless-to-say Boot Camp is out.