Exactly.

A bouquet of roses may be quite continental...

...but tulips are a girl's best friend.

Back to school... back to school...

As of now I am enrolled in 9 graduate hours at Texas Woman's University in pursuit of my Masters in Art Education. I use the term "as of now" because TWU has yet to process my financial aid application (classes started 4 days ago), and if I don't get aid, well, I don't get to continue. It's that simple.

Still, I'm trying not to think of that and am trucking along... subbing, freelance designing, and studying. Where does sleep fit into that equation? Well, new boyfriend > sleep. So, it doesn't.

Here is my first assignment in Art 5333: Individual Differences.

"Now let us look at your first assignment: your 300 word assignment needs to be introspective, about yourself, your differences. For instance, when driving I do not follow maps well, I am very visual so I use points of reference, a yellow house with red shutters on the corner is where I turn left, the field with the barn that needs paint is where I go straight. Another difference about me, it is easier for me to write my thoughts and concerns, when I am upset or angry, in order to communicate my ideas and thoughts effectively rather than speak. Your assignment is more about you being introspective about your differences, than your ideas or thoughts about special education. The focus is you and the wonderfully, created, special person you are."

Here's my go. It sounds more like a blog post than anything "introspective." Oops.

We’re all different. And since we’re all different, doesn’t that mean we all have something in common?

One of my first classroom memories invokes some anxiety about being different. I’m not sure what my first grade teacher was trying to reinforce – colors, maybe – but I remember she was calling us one by one to announce our hair and eye colors. Before my turn I heard, “Brown hair, brown eyes,” then, “Blonde hair, blue eyes.” When I said, “Blonde Hair, brown eyes,” my teacher corrected me.

“You mean blue, Carolyn.”
“No. I have brown eyes.”
“Oh, usually blonde girls have blue eyes.”

Really?

A year ago I once again mentioned my brown eye color only to be corrected by my boyfriend of the time. I have hazel eyes, and it disturbs me that I didn’t even notice they changed.

Like Jesus, I tell stories. Unlike Jesus' stories, they don’t always have a point.

I do believe, like Robin explained in her instructions, that I am a “wonderfully-created, special person.” I learned this at an early age in my paternal grandfather’s Primitive Baptist Blue Mound, Texas church. Growing up in a church doesn’t make me any different than the millions of other Christians around the world, but I doubt many had an experience like mine. Blue Mound Baptist had under 30 members, and we met in a small, one-room building. We called each other “Brother” and “Sister” and chose the hymns to sing each Sunday by yelling out their page numbers. There was no organ or piano, so I learned to read music by singing a cappella aside Brother and Sister Nelson.

Still, even with that experience, I have always been a member of the Lutheran church. My dad even became Lutheran. Traitor?

I’m “different” in other ways. My front tooth is fake. I’m ridiculously outgoing, yet suffer from an anxiety disorder. I can fit a six inch pickle in my mouth sideways. But when it comes down to it, I am more interested in finding out what I have in common with my fellow man than how we are different. There’s enough to separate us in this world without going to look for it, don’t you think?

So, what do you think?

For Aaron

Procrastination

I'll finish this post later.

It's been a rough couple of days.

I won't lie.

While I believe that God answers every prayer, one of the most difficult lessons to learn as a Christian is that sometimes God's answer is, "No."

I am blessed that I rarely get angry or upset with my Lord, no matter how He answers me. Of course, "Yes," is always the answer I prefer, then (ugh), "Wait," and lastly, "No." The way I see it, I may not understand God's will, but understanding is not my place. Who am I to question the wisdom of my Lord?

And while I do not question His will, I must be honest and admit that for the past two days I have been angry with Him. Like a nine year-old, I have been screaming, "NOT FAIR!" at the top of my lungs.

I don't think I am unique in my emotions. I think most people would be upset if put in my situation: I was shown something incredible - something I believed had unlimited potential - and then I was told I could not possess it.

Henry David Thoreau writes in Where I Lived and What I Lived For:

"... for a man is rich in proportion to the number of things which he can afford to let alone."

Well, up until this point, by Thoreau's standards, I have been penniless; I am a planner, and I want my hands in everything. However, today I surrender.

It was no coincidence that today I subbed for a librarian. Because of this, I was able to think and read and meditate on my current situation- made possible through the generosity of another teacher. I asked whether this certain public school's library had a Bible (Yeah, right... what was I thinking? Thanks, State of Texas.) The teacher said no, but that she had a King James version "if that was alright" and she would be happy to bring it to me "for personal use." She had no way of knowing that my grandfather was a Primitive Baptist minister... that my grandmother until the day she died said grace with all the same "takeths" and "thees" and "thou arts," so much that King James is second nature to me. She didn't set this plan in motion. My Lord did.

I spent the morning reading 2 Corinthians in between helping students check in/out books. The Word of the Lord through Paul brought me encouragement.

2Cor 1:3-6
3Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;
4Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.

2Cor 4:17-18
17For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;
18While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.

And finally, through the Grace of God, I felt some peace. Today I am forever committing myself to a life of optimism, of love, of living. I no longer want to be this person who plans, who sets things in motion, and who has to know all the answers and outcomes before committing to something. Instead, I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes.

Sing it, Derek.

Perfect Love

"Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone. To have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God to the Christian says, 'No, not until you're satisfied and fulfilled and content with living, loved by Me alone and giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, to have an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone.

'I love you, My child, and until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me --exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or belongings.

'I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you. You must wait.

'Don't be anxious and don't worry. Don't look around at the things you think you want. Just keep looking off and away up to Me, or you'll miss what I have to show you.

'And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you would ever dream. You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working this minute to have both of you ready at the same time, and until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I've prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this is perfect love.

'And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with Myself. Know I love you. I am God Almighty, believe and be satisfied.'"

i heart the aac.

No, not this one. (Although I do like a good Stars/Mavs game/NKOTB concert...)

This one.

I know I've blogged about the Addison Athletic Club before, but with it being the New Year with resolutions and all, I thought I would revisit the subject. Especially since I just got back from the pool + whirlpool + sauna. :)

The AAC is 52,000 square feet, e m p t y during the day (besides the olds), and requires a $10 total membership. I heart it.

And about those resolutions... here's the deal. Usually people wait until the New Year to make big changes, but I was kinda thrust into altering my life last May, so my resolutions started then. In May I left:

my job of 1 year.
my boyfriend of 3 years.
my career of 7 years.

You gotta do what you gotta do.

One thing I didn't do was watch my weight. Well, that's not true- I watched it explode. In July I got to be the biggest bridesmaid in a friend's wedding, so that was fun. Point is, it's the New Year and I'm going to do what 3/4 of America needs to do: lose weight. I get to don another bridesmaid gown this summer, and I refuse to look like an amazon among the elves.

Here's how I plan to do it:

All's well that ends.

Some of you may remember a post from late October that mentioned my worst day of teaching.

Ever.

I didn't educate poorly; I thought I taught 5th grade Math quite proficiently that day, actually. I even found out later that the other 5th grade teachers agreed and would have liked me to sub again. But none of that really matters when two students decide to throw down in your classroom.

And an investigation follows.

Well, I'm happy to say that as of today, 75 days later (ridiculous), the investigation is over and all is back to normal. Except that I refuse to sub in that school again.

Ever.

Possibly the #1 Reason I Live in Dallas

It's January 3rd, 80ºF, I own a convertible, and I'm off to the parents' to grill steaks. I'm lovin' on 2009 right now.

Half Ton Gato

Razzle

I've been watching the TLC Half Ton marathon for the past couple of hours... because nothing cures nausea from a New Year's hangover like watching 60 lbs get lanced off some fat kid's abdomen.

If you're not familiar with the Half Ton series, it follows "super" obese people, their struggle with weight, their eventual gastric bypass surgery, and their varying levels of success. "Super" obese people are heavier than the "morbidly" obese- meaning these men, women, and children weigh up to 1,000 lbs... quite literally a half ton each.

The Half Ton episode that impacted me this evening was Half Ton Teen, the story of a 19 year-old boy named Billy who weighed over 800 lbs. His extreme weight at such a young age was alarming enough, but what really broke the camel's back (so to speak) was his relationship with his mother. This woman coddled and spoiled her child like nothing I have ever seen, and I watch The Real Housewives of Orange County. I think we can all agree that most parents spoil their children because they love them and want the best for them, but with all the excess, parents who spoil are harming their children. It makes me sick and it makes me sad... and it leads me to judge.

Which brings me to Razzle.

In 2006 I adopted Razzle from the Coppell Humane Society. She was a member of the "Lonely Hearts Club", which is a nice way of saying nobody wanted her. Razzle gets along with other cats pretty well- she's just afraid of people. She's practically feral.

You know what she's not afraid of? Food. Razzle must weigh 20 lbs. I don't know for certain because there's no picking that animal up. I'm nursing a wound to my palm (stigmata?) for trying. Her brother, who eats the same low-calorie cat food, weighs a healthy 12 lbs.

Razzle is what the vet calls a "snacker." She visits the food bowl multiple times a day- after getting petted, after using the litter box, after taking a nap. My cat is constantly eating. To combat this, my vet advised I put the bowl down for only 10 minutes, twice daily. At first the cats won't understand, but once they get hungry they will learn to eat what they need for the day or night in 10 minute's time.

I've tried this before and it seemed to be working. So how did Razzle fall off the wagon?

Her momma.

See, the fact of the matter is- it's simply easier to put down that bowl and be done with it, just like it's easier for "Half Ton" Billy's mother to drive through Burger King instead of prepare him a healthy meal. And as much as it pains me to hear Razzle meow constantly for food, it must be infinitely more difficult for Billy's mother to deny her child... even if that is what's needed to save his life.

I need to go put up cat bowl.